How Lionel Got Me Laid,
the audio book by Henry McCarthy.
narrated by David silver.
I owe a special thanks to everyone I knew at West Rockwille High.
Without those experiences, I never would have become a writer.
And, let's face it,
not everyone gets the opportunity to write their shoulda, woulda, coulda's
and pay the bills at the same time.
Yes, the cheerleaders, jocks, stoners, geeks,
the soon-to-be out of the closet token gay guys,
and faculty members created who I am today.
Someday I'll go back and thank everyone personally
and, of course, Lionel
for showing me the magic.
Girl, we are late, late, late. How late?
Fingers and toes late!
After 20 years, you'd think Henry could at least get picked up at the gate.
Wino, listen to this.
If Henry asked us about his new book,
we're gonna be in big... here!
"A fictional tale of an awkward teenager navigating his way through troubled waters in high school"
Sounds like non-fiction to me.
Chapter one: Say you, say me.
Misery thy name is high school.
The first day in West Rockwille High
I felt totally alone.
I was the nerd,
the geek, the invisible.
until I met Brian and Wayne.
We became instant friends.
We calculated that a pack of misfits
had less chance of being beaten up
than one solitary dork.
Henry, Henry! Oh my God!
Safety in numbers.
Oh, look at you! Ok. Hey, girl.
Good to see you. Let me look at you, come on.
Mm. Where do I sign for this package? You look good.
Look at that hair.
Your bags?
Lost.
Let's just go. Damn it!
Look at you. Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's not you.
If it ain't wino.
Yeah!
Hey!
What's up, buddy? Henry!
I was bored stiff in my classes.
Nobody knew who I was except for my 2 friends
and the football jock who threatened to separate my head from my body daily.
That's what happened.
Didn't I tell you?
That's a passe driving hazard.
Here it is.
Homo sweet homo.
All right. Thanks, guys.
Oh, yeah. don't forget your balloons.
Well, one for Henry. One for me. One for wino.
What time tomorrow?
6 a.m.
ouch!
Uh, yeah! We'll... Yeah...
Zombie hour. See you then.
Welcome home, Henry.
See you tomorrow. Bye!
Later, h!
Ow! Stupid.
Oh, my baby's back home!
Hey, mom.
"Hey, mom."
How are you?
I'm good.
You look great. Thanks.
No dirty laundry?
Plenty, but airlines lost it.
It's headed to Tokyo.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry. Yeah.
Well, we'll go shopping.
How's dad?
Oh, he's dad, you know.
I felt like a stranger in a strange land at home.
Mom treated me like a 3-year-old,
and dad obsessed with his hobbies.
Hey, dad. Good to see you.
Henry. You look good.
So, what would you like to eat? I have all your favorites.
It's all right, mom. I'm not that hungry. I'm really tired.
I've got to get up early and do the speech.
What would you like for breakfast then, dear? Pancakes or waffles?
Waffles would be good.
After graduation, I took my toothbrush and a pair of shoes
and bailed as fast as I could.
But I left one big what-if behind.
And I knew that someday I'd have to go back and find out the answer.
Hello?
Where are you?
I'm in my bedroom. Oh, dear.
Hold on a second. I don't get very good reception.
I've read your handbook on heartbreak 5 trillion and 2 times.
I know this is a painful place for you to be right now.
Right here.
I'm your manager.
Ok. You call me asap if there's anything Javier can do.
I can be there in less than 24.
All right, I got ya.
All right, Javier. I'll talk to you soon.
Bye-bye. Ok.
Hey, you're listening to John-Tom in the morning!
KRAC 88.1, the home of...
Girls were a mystery to me.
I didn't know how to smell or what to say to them
or how to dress for them.
Did girls want a guy with boxers or tidy whities?
I stuck to the tidies for comfort.
I mean my body was still changing, and...
my testicles wouldn't drop like the other guys in gym class.
Then I discovered Lionel.
He was cool and knew things about women, secret things.
Lionel said things like:
"You mean more to me than words can ever say" and...
and "you are the rain that makes my life this foolish game."
I studied him.
He became my crash course in getting laid.
Morning.
I'm bringing sexy back.
KRAC 88.1.
All right, hey, let's welcome to the studio live this morning
our local talent best-selling author,
Henry McCarthy.
Let's talk about your book
How Lionel Got Me Laid.
Folks, I've got to tell you this is a serious look at high school heartbreak here.
Hey, how about that girl in your book, Lauren?
The cheerleader.
Was she a real heartbreaker?
You can't name names.
Think she... think she read the book?
I would be surprised.
Uh-oh!
Hey!
Thanks a lot, Henry.
Listen, we'll be right back with a pause here for station identification.
KRAC, K-rock in the morning.
Be right back with John-John. You know who it is.
I think I'll have the t-bone steak and eggs, well.
That's it.
And the strawberry pancakes.
Just a short order. And no whipped cream.
Light on the whipped cream.
That it? Mm.
No, hold on.
I'll be back soon.
I'm not gonna eat all of it, just...
Is that Mike Miller?
Mm-hmm. It is.
I don't think he recognized us.
Oh, he knew who you were.
He's been here for 2 years.
And Stephanie Reid works at Bank of America.
and Josh Williams works at the Duffy's Dry Cleaners.
Over on main? Mm-hmm.
You will see the entire class of '88
scattered around and littered throughout rockville.
If you see somebody in a grocery store,
they won't even look you in there eye.
It's as though you share some dark, dank, deep little secret.
And as long as you don't register the other person's existence,
then you're not losers for not leaving
and doing something more profound with your lives.
It's just embarrassing. It is wrong.
It is self-hating, and big girl will have none of it.
What about, um, Scarlet Smith?
What?
Oh, come on.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just asking. Nothing more.
You poor, sad little creature.
No! No, no, no. You may not do that.
No.
Forget about it.
Yes, I will forget it.
That's exactly what you should do, forget it.
Forget it. Henry?
Forget I asked.
This is our high school?
What happened?
Gone!
They tore it down.
Didn't want it to serve as a reminder of all the lives it ruined.
Come on, let's go.
I'm not going in there.
No, sir.
That, my dear friend, is a teenage torture chamber.
I wouldn't go back in there if you paid me a million dollars.
Wish me luck.
45 minutes.
Is that good? 45?
45.
Pull your pants up.
That's mine now.
What's that?
Use your imagination.
Let's go.
It's a pen.
Stop talking. Keep the line moving. Let's go.
Henry!
Principal Marshall.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
Thank you for having me.
Well, you know, when they told me,
we have an alumnus who's a best-selling author,
I knew right down there you're the man for the commencement speech.
Forgive me. I haven't read any of your books, but...
Yeah.
You're the prime example
of what a student can do with his or her life
after he or she graduates from his or her high school.
Thank you.
You are a winner. I always knew you'd do well.
You're a winner!
And these students need a winner to tell them how to be a winner.
Yes, they do.
And I want you to feel free to use any of the facilities here.
Of course, the library, the cafeteria, the gym.
Ok.
Whatever you need to connect you in some way in the commencement.
Ok, so would there be any parameters or guidelines you'd want me to follow?
Well, profanity's out.
We really don't want to offend anybody.
I wouldn't use the word "shit" or "penis."
But, yeah, as I said,
we just don't really wanna offend anyone.
No, we don't. No. Right.
Now, there's something else I forgot.
Here are some sample speeches,
some of my all-time favorites.
Ok. Yeah.
These ones?
Be good to look at, yes.
I mean, think gettysburg!
Think Martin Luther, "Can't we all get along?"
Or, you know, Bette midler, "Wind beneath my wings."
Ok. Whatever she needed.
And whatever invigorates you.
You just go with it, invigorate, energize our students.
Make them feel confident.
Make them feel "I want a higher education."
Of course.
By the way, the senior class committee
will be charge of the schedule and events.
So I want you to meet with them after you see me,
and you're seeing me.
Ur, they're in room 502.
And I understand you all have other obligations
and commitments,
but this is a crucial time
for the senior class committee.
Oh, man!
Mrs. Looch.
May I help you?
Uh, Principal Marshall sent me over here.
Please take a seat.
I will... see you after class.
Now, everyone needs to volunteer,
give up a little bit more time.
Your families are well aware of how important this is for you.
Now, wouldn't you like to head up one of these committees?
That has to go to the yearbook publishing company.
And...
Shasta?
Pay attention.
Thank you.
I will need to review your speech
prior to the graduation ceremony.
Reason being?
To assure the faculty and student body that your speech is sufficient
while meeting the necessary requirements.
And if it doesn't?
We don't need to venture into that territory this early.
It seems we already have.
Old Liza, we have seen some times together, haven't we, sweetheart?
Yes, we have. Hey, big girl, who's your daddy?
Yeah. Mm, mm, mm.
I don't know why they call it a bra.
Looks like a g-string to me.
What happened?
Don't even ask.
I just walked through a thousand memories.
I told you!
Doesn't matter that they tore our school down.
It's all there.
I told you.
You managed to get out of there the first time.
You may not be so lucky this time.
Mm...
Just trying to re-process these memories here.
Listen I'll be fine.
I told you!
That place ruins people's lives!
That's its sole function on planet earth!
I know. I told you.
You know what? When big girl talks, big girl means it.
You see the kimono? The kimono means I'm right.
You have to listen to me.
Listen to the kimono!
Re-process your stupid memories. Re-process...
What does that mean anyway?
I'd like to process your feelings on wheat toast, with Mayo.
I told you.
Memories...
Would you like a drink?
No, I'm good.
Ok.
So, how was school?
You know, it's school.
I don't know what I'm gonna write
that's gonna even inspire these kids.
Let me see.
Just flipping through my yearbook.
Oh, the old yearbook.
Who else is in there?
Yeah.
Yeah...
Scarlet. "Thank you for being you and sweet."
Huh?
"Call me this summer."
Scarlet Smith.
Oh, Scarlet Smith.
You mean, "I'm so in love, I don't know what to do!"
That Scarlet Smith?
Are you done?
Ooh!
Call her.
No.
Do it.
That was 19 summers ago.
Tell her you lost track of time.
Yeah.
Come on, dig deep.
Ok. Yes! Henry!
Attaboy!
Oh, yes...
All right. What's her number?
Ooh, she is a cute little wafer. You know.
There you go.
Ready?
869...
Do you want me to get that, mom?
If it's Brad, I'm not here.
Is this it?
It's all I could find. Hello?
Uh, yeah. Um...
Hello?
Oh! Yeah.
What did you do that for?
Because I shouldn't be calling her.
Oh, no. no, no, no. You know what, Just don't call her.
I'll call her for you. Just what the fuck you know?
Just let me do it for you. You see, we don't have to call her.
Give it to me. I'll call her.
Yes! Now that's my man. There you go.
You just need to loosen up a little.
That's what it was.
What's her number? 861...
I'll get that.
Listen, freak! It's over! Shit!
Now, deal! Just...
What?
Too harsh?
Hello?
Is Scarlet there?
Um, who is this?
This is, um, Henry...
Henry McCarthy. Who's this?
Um, this is her best friend of 30 years, Darcy.
Who is it?
Henry McCarthy?
High school?
Oh yeah.
I was just, um...
I was flipping through my yearbook, and...
She had written in the yearbook...
"You're a great, sweet guy.
and you better call me this summer."
That was with one of those exclamation like you're screaming thingies
kind of thing.
Ok, well, she has no idea who you are.
She doesn't...
She doesn't remember me.
Hold on one second. Just...
If you turn the pages, you look and turn the pages,
Twelve, one, thirty...
Ok, well, we'll have to take a look.
Get your yearbook!
I don't think I even have it anymore.
There's... it's 132.
There's a pretty good picture of me there also.
But it's not listed.
Ok, great.
Ok, well, listen, Harry.
She doesn't have it right now.
She can't find it. What?
Uh, no, it's sounds like it's sitting on her nightstand
next to her retainer
underneath her unicorn poster.
All right, if you'd just tell her
that Henry McCarthy called.
Ok, I'm gonna get off the phone now, Harry.
But thank you so much for your interest.
Bye!
That's all right. Bye... bye.
OMG!
I don't know. But he's in love with you.
I'm so weak.
Yeah. I'm serious.
That sucked.
You did what?!
I called Scarlet Smith.
Well, we did.
You did not!
He did.
I can't eat.
No, I can eat.
Yeah.
Henry.
Please. Let it go.
You stop being such an enabler.
He has nothing to lose.
He has nothing to gain either.
Look, I was just wondering what she's up to. That's it.
I'm sure she was wondering the same thing about you.
She was.
Let it go! Let. It. Go.
Let it go.
Henry, you made me proud.
Self-destructing.
She rendered me down to the geek like in 2 seconds flat.
We've got some serious power, dude.
That's the first thing you said that I absolutely agree with.
Rendered you a geek means that you're not a geek now.
You are, in fact, still a geek.
Let it go.
Let it go! You do not need that in your life!
All right? Smoking crack is easier on your heart.
Have some syrup.
A little more. She's gonna take...
one good look at that year book photo
and remember why she doesn't remember me.
That's positive thinking. That's the power of positive thinking right there.
I found it! I've got the yearbook!
These, thank you very much.
Here you go.
That color works on you, Bob.
You find him?
Is he hot?
Hmm.
Henry McCarthy.
You know him? We had chemistry.
You've got chemistry with that?
Yeah, chemistry class.
He was such a sweet guy. He always tried to help me.
No, he's taking advantage of your lack of intelligence.
That's how geeks work.
Oh, I feel bad now.
Are you kidding me? There's like a thousand reasons why you forgot him.
Looks like something from the old days, like my dad.
So you're gonna call him back?
I can't call him. I mean, he probably thinks I'm a total bitch.
Well, you are.
I mean, come on.
Hey, what'd happen if I took one of these right now?
Anal leakage.
Yeesh!
Already ditching, huh?
Oh.
Shasta O'Neal.
Senior class committee.
Shasta.
You weren't in class today.
I didn't do my homework.
Oh! That is not good.
No.
I figured I came in here, I'd probably get better insight in the class.
And?
As far as I can tell...
the library is still the sanctuary for the socially challenged.
Attention! Get down.
Get down!
Come on! You know the drill! Down!
Get down!
Crisis alarm!
Aren't we supposed to leave with the fire alarm?
It's not a fire alarm.
It's a crisis alarm.
A crisis alarm?
Yeah.
Someone could be on campus with a gun.
Oh.
Relax.
Nobody has a gun, ok? It's just a drill.
Oh. How often do you guys do this drill?
A couple times a week.
Oh.
Lovely.
Hello?
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this too late to call?
This is Scarlet Smith from high school.
Yeah. Scar...
You called me? Scarlet?
Hey. Hello?
Um, that's all right, dad. I got it.
It's for me. It's a little late.
Dad, it's a girl. Come on.
Hey. Hi.
How are you? I'm...
My life's just a little bit crazy right now.
I'm... in the middle of moving.
I'm sort of in the middle of everything.
It's good to hear from you.
I'm temporarily living with my mom right now.
And so I'm dealing with that, too.
Henry McCarthy. How are you?
Good, good. How are you?
It's good to hear from you.
And then I saw her, Lauren landers.
And something extraordinary happened.
But, even though we'd gone through grade school together,
and she'd never noticed me,
suddenly she had blossomed into a woman.
And from that point on she haunted my every moment.
She's what?
One day in the middle of our junior year
Lauren bumped into me in the hallway.
I copped a feel on my lower arm near the elbow.
It was lightning.
Tomorrow night. 7:30?
Yeah. That sounds great. That sounds fun.
That's perfect.
All right.
She walked away, and I stood there like an idiot
whispering to myself.
Lauren.
I wondered, "so is this what love feels like?"
Hello?
Henry, wake up. It's Javier.
Hold on. I don't get... Hello?
Just a second. I don't get reception.
Henry?
Hold on.
I have some news.
Hey, man, are you ok? Henry?
Guess what? Great news.
A major studio wants an itsy bitsy option on your book.
Uh, I doubt it's itsy bitsy, but...
The only thing is they tested the name of the book,
and they wanna update the title from Lionel.
What... what'd they wanna do?
What do they wanna change it to?
They wanna go with something more modern
like Linkin Park.
Linkin Park?
Oh, I don't think Linkin Park gets you laid, but...
I guess women 15 to 25 tested best to Linkin Park.
And males 15 to 35 seemed to like it, hands down.
Hello? Henry?
Yeah... Trust me.
Remember you wanted to call your last book
"My Testicles were the Last to Drop"?
And I said, "I know you went through that,
"but that's not a great name," remember?
I doubt Linkin Park gets you laid.
Of course they do.
Do they get you laid?
Great. I'll tell them you agree.
You treat desiree nice,
She'll treat you nice.
She does like to be...
Manhandled now and again.
I'm not gonna take her anywhere you don't want her to go.
She needs to get out and socialize.
Oh, damn it.
If you'd like, if it makes you feel more comfortable,
I'll just rent a car and it will be easier. No, no, no.
No, no. This is caviar on a hook.
Ok.
Oh, dear.
She's already making me break out.
Let's have a little look here.
Be careful.
My God. What is that? Your parasitic twin?
I think I see an arm.
Ok, good. Ladies!
Come on. Privacy please.
This isn't a tourist attraction.
Have a look here.
Ok. Ladies.
I'm gonna need a cold compress, some herbal tea,
a nice light foundation and a donut.
Donut?
It's for me. I know. I know.
Come on. What are you gonna do?
Well, not much at this point.
It's subterranean.
I mean, we could attack it, but the outcome would be disastrous.
And we're talking a 7-day war that the world would notice.
This is Scarlet-related.
Stress-related. This is... (If) I do something, what can I do?
Relax.
Do you like a little Tibetan balance
or a little whale sounds?
Let's go! Cold compress!
Senior year, somehow I had the karmic good luck of sitting beside Lauren in chemistry class.
But all I could say to her was
"would you like some help dissecting that frog?"
Henry?
Scarlet. Hey.
This is really weird, huh?
No, no. I just...
I keep thinking about...
Henry from chem and, you know, like the kid, and...
and I'm sitting across from you.
I'm just getting used to it, you know.
That bad?
No! No!
It's just, you know, Henry from class was...
And you're now, you're this...
You know, you're a man with facial hair and a beard.
Yeah, that just happened like...
It just... you still look the same.
Ur...
Is... is that good or bad?
You're really pretty.
Thank you. Yeah.
That was awkward, huh?
I'm a pharmacist. That's good.
It's depressing
handing out anti-depressants.
It's all right. I could spin it though
Ok.
and say I was a small town drug dealer
for the past 10 years.
I don't feel like I'm where I should be, you know.
Yeah, well, we all kinda ain't where we think we should be,
but, you know... Yeah.
Well, you've clearly done something.
They asked you to do the commencement speech.
Yeah, I wrote a few books.
You write books?
Well, if people actually read it would maybe mean something.
I'm sure you have many fans out there who read your books
and I would like to be one of them.
So, I'm gonna get it. Where do I get it?
I'll get you a copy.
No, I wanna buy it with my own money.
I wanna buy it. All right.
Well, bookstores have it.
They'll have the most recent copy.
Ok.
It was... it's good to see you.
It was really good to see you, too.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
So, what's the name of your book?
Um, How Lionel Got Me Laid?
Oh. Ok, just a moment.
Um, who's Lionel?
Richie.
As in "dancing on the ceiling" Lionel Richie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him.
Lionel Richie got him laid?
I don't... perhaps, maybe.
I have to read it.
Well, sounds like a winner.
Um, the book is in aisle E,
and that's alphabetical by author.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ok, fess up.
Nothing happened.
No, you are smiling like either he was really cute
or you're totally embarrassed you even went on a date with him.
It wasn't a date.
Oh, come on. I will not tease you, I promise.
He was bald and fat, right?
No, he was... What? Mustache?
Hey! Was he wearing pleated jeans?
He was ok, really. Darcy, he was ok! So he was like one of those weird divorced guys
...with, like, 18 kids.
Hmm? Well, he must have been pretty ok
if you're willing to invest in this relationship.
I'm not. I wouldn't...
You are buying his book!
I would never read something for a guy.
Ooh! Got it!
Bingo! Author's photo.
Let's see what "ok" looks like.
Does that really matter?
Uh, yeah. It's the only thing that matters.
Do you wanna dilute your gene pool?
Well, betting it all on looks got me living with my mother at 36 years old.
Please, I love your mother.
Wait a second. Is this him?
Yeah. Yes.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Well, he is actually kind of cute.
I know.
I wonder whether other geeks got hot after high school.
You're so pretty,
When we get pretty blond hair on...
Oh, you're so pretty
Why can't Scarlet be 500 pounds with 5 fat kids
and then all would be fine?
All would be wrapped up.
Life would go on.
Why can't that happen?
World peace depends on it, my friend.
I'm gonna act like that made complete sense.
Beautiful.
Nice choice.
Henry, hey!
Hey, Shasta. Hi!
Hey! How are you?
Good morning, Mr. McCarthy.
May I see your speech?
I'm still working on it.
Is there a problem?
Indeed, you do have a problem.
As stated before, I, the faculty and the committee
will need sufficient time to review your speech.
Without our review, it is highly unlikely you will be able to deliver the speech.
That being said, when can we expect to see something, Mr. McCarthy?
As soon as I do.
I want one.
Every morning...
Hi!
Hey, Scarlet.
What are you doing?
Just seeing what you're doing.
Oh, this speech.
I'm just trying to get it going.
Oh! How... how's it going?
It's not going.
I gotta....
Well, how about a distraction?
I could use that. I could do that.
Meet me out front.
Oh, ok.
I wanna know who this Lionel guy is.
I'm going out. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh. Hey.
It's a school night, dumb-dumb.
I'll be back later.
To Mrs. Looch who's looking for any reason to crap on me.
Mrs. Looch.
How come we call Mrs. Loochenberger Mrs. Looch?
Say her last name.
Loochenberger.
Looc-henberger.
Looch... Yeah.
Like hookenberger.
Loock... Loockenberg.
Yeah, see. Did you not have a Looch ready to hock?
Totally. Why did you do that to me?
It's so gross.
That's where she gets her name, right there.
She's still trying to fail me.
You've got to let it go, Henry.
Those who can, do; and those who can't, turn into Mrs. Looch.
Do you think you could drive?
Yeah, sure. No problem. Would you mind?
No, I'll drive. Ok.
Hold on. Watch it.
All I need is a DUI.
Oh!
Get anymore lights on that truck?
Oh, it's Brad. Oh, God!
The Brad? Your Brad?
No. My ex-Brad.
Is he aware of that?
Ah, he will, you know. He has a disability.
He doesn't hear things that he doesn't wanna hear. So...
Can you lose him?
Why?
Yeah, just trust me.
If you can lose him, do it.
Wait, you think he's gonna kick my ass?
Yeah, well, he doesn't want it as a donut and a tea party and, like, shoot the breeze
about the great times you had in high school.
Maybe have some drink.
Oh. Hang on. Hang on.
All right.
Did we lose him?
I don't see him. I think we lost him.
Hold right there, driver! Hands where I can see 'em.
Nice and easy. All right.
Out of the car.
Come on, come on.
Hands on the hood.
Yes, take it easy and let's spread 'em there.
Oh, my goodness.
Going a little fast, don't you think? Yeah.
Sorry, officer.
You know, this is a school zone through here.
You know what the speed limit is, don't you?
Uh, drive 25.
Been drinking tonight? No, sir.
Sure about that? Yes.
New York. That figures.
What the hell, McCarthy?
Bird! Yeah!
Come on!
Bird, You look good!
Thanks.
Didn't recognize me dressed like a pig, huh?
Well, it's... You're...
Yeah, yeah. I dropped a couple pounds.
Uh, I'd say more than a couple. Like 2.
250. maybe... Yeah.
Had the surgery done.
No more deep dish pizzas for me.
I was gonna shoot you there, man.
That was intense.
Glad you didn't.
Who's your buddy here?
Eh!
That's uh...
Scarlet Smith, isn't it?
Yeah. Scarlet.
Right on, um...
You've got Scarlet Smith in your car?
Yeah, we were just...
You dick!
Isn't she with Brad Nelson?
I think they broke up.
Hey, I ain't saying nothing. Ok.
You sleeping with her though?
No, no, no, no. We're just talking.
Nah, I'd rather not know.
Officer 320 responding. Sorry, duty calls.
Might wanna take it a little bit slower there.
It's good seeing you, McCarthy.
You look good, bird.
You do, too. Watch your back and...
(if) you need to borrow my handcuffs, you let me know.
Have a good night!
Look, I'm so sorry.
And I should have told you that Brad is...
Yeah.
Totally still Brad.
Brad, yeah. I've kind of figured that.
Yeah, he just hasn't really...
accepted that we're over for good.
It's all good.
You can drive?
Yeah.
All right. Ok, goodnight.
Ok. All right. I'll call you.
Coach Nelson, I'm free! Come on, come on!
Come on, Coach. Coach's going in for a slam.
Foul!
You fouled me because you're late!
You're standing out there and scratching your balls.
Chalk it up.
Speaking of a set of balls...
You and I need to have a little chat.
About what?
About Scarlet.
Nothing's happening.
You're damn right nothing's happening.
And if you're planning on something happening,
you and I are gonna have problems.
Hey! Hey! Coach... Coach Nelson's gonna throw down!
...I'm not gonna coming at you!
Now just pick one. Just throw the first punch.
Let's take this into my office. Come on.
Coach is in trouble! Ooh!
All right, boys, what's the issue?
Oh, we can sit here all day
if that's what you both want.
I'll tell you this,
we will resolve this issue today
in my office before either of you leave.
That clear?
Let's start with you, coach.
No, I'm sorry, Chuck.
I was just minding my business,
teaching my students, trying to coach my team
when numbnuts decides to confront me.
Really, Brad? numbnuts?
Can we just stick to the story?
Can you just tell him what happened? How you were walking the hall without a badge.
He's walking the hall without a badge, Chuck.
I wasn't issued a badge.
They didn't give me a badge. I didn't need a badge.
I don't need a badge.
I'm walking down the hallway, principal Marshall, minding my business.
He's walking down the hall, pops his head in.
He tries to interrupt my practice.
Just trynna win another state championship, Chuck.
That's so unnecessary, Brad. Seriously.
Have some knee sleeve.
Now, you have some issues, Henry.
You really should just be writing.
But zip it, zip it.
I think I understand Brad's frustration.
I do. Think about it.
He's around a ton of hot teenage boys,
half naked, half his age.
Mm. It could take its toll on anybody.
It is. It's taken it.
Come on, I mean, the dude gives losers a bad name.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Know what I'm saying? Yeah, he does.
So what are you gonna do?
He's gonna stay away. No.
Henry honey, some people don't evolve.
He could kick your ass. He's an ass.
Don't be a young buck and lock horns with him.
Brad will break your neck.
Sometimes you have to do with what nature gave you.
All right?
The geek doesn't get the girl.
Sure hoping a lot. Shh!
Check please!
I have one small announcement to make.
To all those seniors attending the prom
and fellow students attending the prom,
please, please I urge you
use your best judgment.
Don't let this dance be your last.
And one other thing...
Go wildcats!
I found the nerve to ask Lauren to senior prom.
But I did it in writing.
The thought of asking her face to face was terrifying.
I slipped a note in her chemistry book.
She never even acknowledged my request.
I began to count not only the days
but the hours until graduation,
waiting for my liberation.
Hey.
God!
Hey.
You ok, Shasta? Shasta?
You ok? Yes, I am.
Are you ok?
I'm so stupid.
No.
I just need a hug. Okay.
My boyfriend just broke up with me.
Ok.
Oh!
Not appropriate!
That good? Thank you.
Ok.
Please just tell me that your senior ball sucked butt you regret ever going.
Actually, I didn't go.
What? Why?
It's stupid. Dumb reasons.
Just dumb.
Looks like you need a hug.
No, it's ok. I'm good.
Are you sure? Yes. I'm...
A good hug can just, like unlock all those years of pent-up pain.
Yeah.
One good hug would probably get me locked up for another good 20 years of pain.
Yeah, I know. It's ok. We're good.
Let's go. Ok.
You all right?
Thank you. Me? Come on.
Oh, you'll be ok.
Thank you for making me feel better.
Hey, what's... What's his problem?
So, before we discuss your book,
can I ask you a few questions?
Shoot.
So, is there any truth to getting into a fight with coach Nelson?
What?
Are you denying that you threw down with coach Nelson?
There are eyewitnesses.
Would you like to comment on what exactly happened?
Not really.
Does that mean yes or no?
It means neither.
Well, any truth to the rumors about Shasta O'Neal?
Sources say they saw you two embracing.
Embracing?
We hugged.
Ur, no.
The average hug lasts 3.2 seconds.
Witnesses say it was closer to 20.
I would say that the hug qualifies as an embrace.
She was upset.
So, are you or aren't you seeing each other?
Look...
Neither.
you have the opportunity to set the record straight on both of our findings.
Tell the truth. We promise we'll blog it word for word.
Did you even read the book?
The back cover's really good.
I like the title. I wanna meet Lionel.
You do?
Cool ranch. Looking good like I knew you would.
Oh! Look at this! This is sweet.
This is nice, huh?
Ah, baby's breath. How classy.
Yep, Brad's a real charmer.
Well, you know you got him in a jealous rage.
He called me 20 times today.
No, that was not what I was intending to do.
Oh, really? How did you think Brad was gonna respond?
Exactly like this.
I mean,
I just... I can't allow him to dictate my behavior,
how I live my life
or who I'm gonna see.
Ok, listen. You got him where you want him.
All right, now just make some demands, and it'll change.
Hey, Brad doesn't change his underwear.
Hmm...
Brad's all about Brad. It's over.
I think you've got to come to terms with that too, Darcy.
Oh, my God. You really like this guy.
Yeah. I do.
Wait. No, no. You like him like him, don't you?
Yeah, I like him like him.
All right.
Well, just remember what happened to the last guy you really liked.
Glass eye.
All right. What?
I think we're being followed.
Oh, it's not him.
Henry!
Hey!
What?
You knock this off.
Oh... Oh, Henry.
I can't be worried?
You can be worried, but you're being a freak now.
Look, I just think you need a little more protection than what's in your wallet.
I get it. I understand. I totally appreciate it. But...
Is that Scarlet Smith?
Can I say hi? Just a little hello.
Merci.
Stay here.
Jill?
How you doing?
Good.
Listen,
girl to girl,
you break it, you own it.
You kids have a good time. Bye.
Start it up!
My big strong man. Come on, you can do it.
You're being very quiet.
I've always been quiet.
You were a cheerleader.
Right?
I'm sorry. I'm just...
just remembering. just thinking.
Yeah.
Are you not happy?
No, I'm not sad. I know that.
I mean, God, I see so many depressed people every day.
I mean, no, seriously, you'd be...
you'd be shocked at the sheer number of people in this town
that are taking something for something.
I mean, it's just their way of coping with the mundane.
I think I've made just about every bad decision there is to make ever.
Yeah.
Well, we don't stop making them.
You're gonna make one a minute from now
that's gonna affect your life.
And the minute you start realizing that every decision amounts to something
then you have to start making them count.
That's a decision.
Was that a good decision or a bad decision?
Um...
what do you think?
A good one?
Very.
Wasn't Make-out Mountain right around here?
GPS voice: Drive point 1 Miles.
I don't know.
I've never been... here. GPS voice: then turn left.
Yeah. what do you mean you don't know?
Hello, slut.
I've never been here.
Oh, come on, please.
No, you haven't been here for a while.
They've, like, paved. It's like a neighborhood now.
It's developed and stuff. But this is definitely it.
This is exactly the end result
when you make out too long.
You already know where you're going.
I don't even...
Mm-hmm.
Whadda you doing? I can't...
Come here. We're gonna get a better view. Come here.
Shh!
We're gonna see what's behind model house number 4.
Come on.
Shh! Come on.
Shh!
Close the door.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Come on. Ok.
Wow!
Big screen TV.
Come on.
What do you think? Is that not the view?
It's not bad.
Yeah.
You asked me to senior prom, didn't you?
Yeah.
You didn't answer.
That's ok.
That's fine.
That's what I wish I would have said.
That's a good answer.
How do you activate this thing?
I don't have one.
Here here. You're gonna put the address. like put your home address in there.
Auh!
It's Brad.
Oh my...
Can't ignore him at this point.
Ah!
Oh! Whoa.
Let me talk to him.
I'll talk to him.
Just let me talk to him. No.
Scarlet! Scarlet, I'll talk to him.
No, just Henry, please get back in the car.
Let me do this.
You know, I can't believe you!
Fine!
'Cause I have nothing to say to you.
This is Linda from On-Star, Mr. McCarthy. Are you hurt?
I'm fine.
Have you been in an accident?
Are you lost?
Very.
♪ I'm not where I'm meant to be ♪
♪ it seems like everything that I love... ♪
Lauren moved to another seat in chemistry class.
It was as if I no longer existed.
I ceased to be in her line of sight,
so I somehow evaporated into the ethers like a worm
dropped into an acid bath.
♪ ... tired of feeling sick and tired ♪
♪ it's time to break free ♪
I would ride my bike by Lauren's house nightly
dreaming of the day she'd realize how great I really was,
how cool and interesting I was.
Lauren consumed my every waking thought.
And as she continued to ignore me
the days turned into endless torture.
♪ I don't wanna die ♪
♪ I'm getting out of here alive ♪
Fortunately, I had my friends,
Brian and Wayne who are always there to yank me out of my hole
and make me feel like I belonged to something bigger than my self-pity.
I never told them how grateful I was for their friendship.
I wouldn't have survived Lauren landers if not for them.
♪ And I'll promise you ♪
♪ I promise that I'll run away with you ♪
They knew the antidote to my depression,
and they always made me laugh.
Once Wayne got a tattoo of a cow smoking a cigar
just to crack me up.
♪ You look just like heaven ♪
Video game voice: On your mark...
She did what?
Don't make it worse than it already was.
It wasn't that tragic. We just... we didn't go out.
It's...
You went out to dinner.
You went out in your car.
Technically, that's going out.
Did you at least get a souvenir?
Panties?
I'm gonna slap you.
What? It would be nice to get a little some-some
hanging from the rear view mirror, know what I'm saying?
Ouh!
She just can't get over herself.
Hey, man, that was a long road.
But you stayed the path.
I'm proud, man.
You're my hero.
Give it up.
Got to run, rock star.
It's history repeating itself.
Everything's exactly the same,
but everything's changed.
It's like the day after we just graduated.
20 years... shooh! down to the vacuum.
You know what?
You beat this Scarlet fever once before.
I know you can do it again.
We were 18.
A lot younger.
My genetic makeup doesn't let me get the girl.
I know exactly how you feel.
Come here.
Ah!
Come here. Yeah.
All right. I get it.
Do you want a hug.
Yeah, I need a hug.
Ok, good. Is that old spice?
I think that's your problem.
You need to change.
Hold on. Come to the car. I'll get you something.
And we will be able to put everything together and have a wonderful celebration.
Now, who has envelopes with the completed work?
Is everyone finishing up their projects?
Very good. I...
I'm sorry, Mrs. Loochenberger,
but if I could have just one minute.
It's about the speech.
If it's done, leave it.
If not, take a seat,
and we can discuss this when class is dismissed.
Ok.
Now, we don't have much time.
I need you all to finish up your individual projects,
bring them up to the front,
so I can cross them off
and be able to finalize everything.
This is gonna be a special event.
And we have got to finish.
I'll take that. Oh, I bet you will.
You have 2 options.
Would you like me to read it?
Or throw it away?
It depends on what it says.
I'd be lying if I didn't say
how disappointed I am in your conduct.
You seem to be getting yourself into quite a few altercations.
This is the second time you've been in my office
on disciplinary issues.
And this particular incident...
is quite damaging.
She passed me a note.
Are you aware of its contents?
No.
Would you like to be?
I think I should since it was intended for my eyes only.
That's pretty funny.
I'm glad you find it humorous, Mr. McCarthy.
I do.
When I asked that you get connected with the senior class,
this was not what I was implying.
So, you're saying I shouldn't go to the prom with Shasta?
I... I can't control what happens off campus.
What happens on campus is my full responsibility.
I and the district employ a no-tolerance policy.
Therefore, I have no option but to suspend you.
I'm suspended?
You're suspended.
You're suspending me?
Shh. Shh.
Beat it.
Hang ten.
♪ You lie alone in your bed ♪
♪ another long day ahead ♪
Hey!
Hey. Oh my God, everything's cool, right?
Yeah, it's cool, cool. It's fine, fine. No worries.
I just got suspended.
Shit. I know.
OMG!
Oh, I'm so so sorry.
It's ok. Really.
It's ok. It's totally my fault.
Don't worry.
He's been wanting to do that for a long time now.
Really? Yeah, he got his wish.
So what do you think?
About?
About the note?
Oh!
The note.
That's funny.
That's pretty damn funny.
I can't go with you to the prom.
Why not?
Because it'd go against everything...
Like what?
Like gravity.
Like the way we're walking,
what keeps us on earth. Ok, ok.
Just think of it like...
research, you know.
You just say yes now,
then you can always say no later.
But if you say no now,
then you may never, ever, ever get a chance to say yes.
That's very clever. Yeah.
I like that, but no way.
Isn't there just 100 guys waiting to take you?
You're very cute.
There's got to be 100 of 'em. Maybe 1,000.
I have standards, ok.
And Mr. Marshall did not suspend you from the senior ball.
He can.
So you piss him off and go with me.
Please. Please, please, please, please.
My days of defiance are done.
They just ended in those doors over there.
You suck butt.
You know that.
You totally, totally suck butt.
Yeah. Well, you know what, ...
I guess that's what happens when you turn 37.
Auh. Good.
Oh, good God.
What color's your dress?
Really?
Teal!
Teal.
Great.
I should have never agreed to go to this.
But you did.
So just accept it, embrace it, own it.
This is your golden crow bar
that you are gonna use to pry yourself from your past.
And don't let Scarlet keep you from gonna another ball.
I'm just gonna call Shasta and say, "look, I can't go."
What are you doing?
Let me explain something to you, ok?
Once you achieve a certain level of success,
ok, you get celebrity immunity.
You can do no wrong.
Well,
if you do, you just get slapped on the wrist.
You can sleep with your stepdaughter.
You can have a slumber party with little boys.
I'm not a celebrity.
Well, let me explain something to you, ok.
If you can do what you want and answer to nobody but yourself,
in big girls' world you are a celebrity.
Look at that.
Voila!
I get arrested, I'm calling you.
You should be taking me and him.
Corsage. You wanna try it on me first?
Whoa, Francesca.
Oh my...
Henry McCarthy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh.
Shasta told us all about you.
Yeah, ok. Yeah.
Right.
Uh, please.
She... Yeah,
We're not... Please come in.
She's not my...
No. Oh!
Please, No!
Come in.
Thank you.
A monkeycould have caught that!
What is it that you do?
Um...
I write. I'm a writer. Novelist.
What do you write?
Oh, that's a good question.
Um, it's a how-to book.
Here she is!
Looking smashing!
Hi!
Hi.
Daddy, what's wrong?
You're wearing that?
Mom likes it.
She looks so pretty, honey. What?
Uh!
Uh.
Come on. Let's go.
Have a good time. Whatever.
He's still so cute.
No!
Happy place, happy place.
Hello?
You're swimming in sorrow right now.
All I ask is for you to swim to me.
Swim to your rock.
Would you want anything?
No, I'm fine. You sure?
Yeah. Talk to me.
Big gulp, slurpee?
Something's going on. No, I'm fine.
I'm just at a 7-Eleven. It's ok.
What the hell are you doing at a 7-Eleven?
I am worried, Henry. I am really worried.
Does anything good ever happen at 7-elevens?
You're a victim before you even walk in.
Don't worry, Javier. It's gonna be ok.
I beg you to get out of there.
7-elevens are the gateway to life in prison.
Ok. Bye. Talk to you later.
I got us some refreshments.
Great. Yeah!
All right. What did you get us?
Refreshments. Ok.
Come on! Ok.
Let's go.
What did you get us?
Ok. Treats.
♪ Before you try to kiss me... ♪
Oh my God, I'm so excited!
Whoo!
Fun.
Yeah. Come on!
Whoo!
I'm not gonna be contributing to a minor.
You know what, you're not contributing because...
I paid for it.
But any contribution is welcome.
Cheers!
Cheers.
Oh, any political aspirations I may have is gonna end when I down this.
Oh, come on.
You better vote for me.
Whoo!
Good, right?
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna kill it.
Let's go!
I'm gonna get caught.
I'm not supposed to be going with a minor.
Whoo!
Shasta, how doesw it feel going out with a pedophile?
Fine.
Ouh!
B! OMG!
What are you wearing? You look fabulous!
Hey, Shasta!
Hey, how are you?
You look great. What are you wearing?
It's Forever 21. But, shh, don't tell.
Who's he?
You know.
♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪
I'm so excited. Come on!
Come on, let's go.
♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪
♪ everybody have fun tonight ♪
♪ a million Miles to be with you tonight ♪
♪ so if you're feeling low ♪
♪ turn up your radio ♪
Wow. Just relax, ok.
Feeling Okay? Got it.
Spotted, Henry and Shasta dancing in very close proximity across the dance floor.
You know, you look so beautiful tonight.
Ew! Rape! Rape!
Hey!
Mary!
Oh, I've got old moves.
Just move your body.
♪ everybody have fun tonight ♪
♪ across the nation around the world ♪
♪ everybody everybody ♪
♪ celebration spread the word ♪
♪ everybody have fun tonight ♪
♪ everybody have fun ♪
Lauren was so beautiful
I could barely look at her.
And school politics didn't allow her to look at me.
She was too popular.
She'd become a cheerleader and started dating a football jock.
She went to the prom with the jerk; I didn't go.
I couldn't stand the thought of seeing them together,
king and queen of the ball.
I anonymously sent Lauren a corsage.
On prom night I waited in my car
across the street from her house to see if she wore it.
She didn't.
It was a ridiculous gesture,
but I wanted to be a part of her life in some small way.
The next day, I pretended to be sick.
I couldn't face sitting next to Lauren.
Please! Please, please, please, please,
with a cherry on top.
No, I can't.
Look, I had a really good time in there. That was fun.
No, we're only gonna stay at the party for 10 minutes.
10 minutes!
I've stayed 10 minutes too long already.
Henry,
think of it as doing charity.
Like, you can just write it off on your taxes.
And what cause would this be for?
Because I want you to, and because why not?
Come on!
Phone's ringing. Hold on.
You know what, just go home.
I think your mommy's calling you.
10 minutes, right? You just said 10.
You're gonna wanna stay longer than 10 minutes when you get inside, 'cause I...
promise you that you're gonna have fun!
You're on the grass!
Hey! Oh my God!
Hey.
Hey!
Come on!
Hey, I'll go get us some drinks.
I'll go get us a drink, ok?
Ok.
Ok. All right.
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Hi.
Here you go.
Ok.
All right.
You don't have to do that.
I don't see a ring around your finger.
Yeah, I don't want one around my ankle either.
Wow, ok.
Yeah.
Ok, how's this? Is this ok?
Ok, that's fine.
You know, if you keep your hands to yourself I can accept it.
Ok. All right?
Mm-hmm.
Um...
are you afraid that I don't know what I'm doing?
Why would you say yes to this, if...
you weren't gonna follow through?
I promise...
You won't have any regrets.
Yeah. I know.
But,
there is nothing about taking this moment further
that's gonna benefit our lives.
What is that supposed to mean? Ok.
It means that messing around with an 18-year-old
won't even come close to fixing the problems
of the heartbreak I had 20 years ago.
Oh...
She is such a bitch!
Yeah.
And I have to deal with it.
I get to pay for her.
Cops!
Oh, shi...
Come on, come on!
Oh my God!
What?
Oh my God! You gotta jump!
What?!
Come on, jump. Shasta, jump.
I can't do that.
Trust me. Jump.
This is the police department! Damn.
If you don't jump right now,
you're gonna be doing the same exercise at rehab.
Come on! Jump!
The party's over!
Oh my God!
Could you think of anything better to do
with your Saturday night than this?
Yeah, I could be cuddled up on the couch watching "Cops."
Love that show.
Yeah.
The one thing I thought I could learn was
never to run from them.
Whoa.
He's right there. He's right there.
Shh...
Please come out from behind the bushes.
It's not what it looks like, officer.
I'm won't be the judge of that.
You two been drinking?
No, not at all.
Vodka?
When Brian, my best buddy, came out of the closet that year,
he became the token gay of West Rockwille High.
After that, I was uncomfortable hanging out with him.
It was tough enough for me to be accepted
without being associated with another freak.
In a vain attempt to fit in with the cool crowd,
I snuck out with a group of guys during a pep rally
and egged Brian's car.
We spelled p-u-s-s-y in soap
and covered his entire car with panty-liners
implying that he should have been a woman.
I'm gonna kill him.
I will kill that boy. I will kill him dead.
Brian. He could have at least picked a name like Trevor.
No priors.
Yeah.
That just leaves us with a 37-year-old at a high school party.
Sir...
McCarthy!
Hey, bird.
I got this.
Nothing happened, I swear to you.
Nothing happened.
Uh-huh.
You're the man.
Yeah.
Go make it happen.
Thanks.
He's good.
Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed.
Well, it's better you do this stuff now
and get it out of the way.
Henry.
Wow.
Henry! Yeah.
Oh my God...
Yeah.
Um, "you suck."
"You suck."
Yeah, I suck.
Yeah.
Oh no.
Hi, daddy.
Come on, come on.
Young lady, get in the house.
My sincerest apologies, Mr. O'Neal.
She's in one piece, at least.
There's nothing I can do to you that your dad isn't gonna do
when he sees that car.
Oh, God.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
Sorry?!
Yeah.
Where in the lord's name did you take her?!
I think it's just cosmetic.
Really, I'm sorry. I'll take care of it.
You know something, son!
Your smart-ass attitude is not welcome at a time like this!
I'm sorry. I think it's cosmetic only.
It's coming out of your allowance.
I don't get an allowance, dad.
Well, I mean your inheritance!
So, how is the speech coming?
Haven't even started working on it yet.
I know.
Scarlet, something-or-other, called.
Scarlet called?
Said you were in for the night.
Dad, you're trying to ground me?
You don't think you were gonna take the Cadillac!
I think I've got 2 feet. I think I can walk over to her house.
Pick up the phone. Pick up.
Come on.
Damn it!
Sometimes you have to take action.
I discovered sitting in the back of the class doesn't get you the grades or the girl.
So, I moved up a seat.
By that time, Lauren was in danger of flunking chemistry.
This was the perfect scenario for Boy Genius to swoop in
and rescue the Damsel-in-Distress.
The token town gay!
I was 500 pounds, Henry!
because t took me a while to figure out
that I was craving the wrong ding-dong.
Hey, did you like what I did to your dad's car?
Stop and wait for me!
Stop that!
Hi, how you doing?
That's right. What are you gonna do?
Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho!
Easy!
Henry...
I'm tapping out.
What's going on here? Now, let him go, ok.
Oh, yeah!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Leave.
Bitch.
I had to make Lauren excruciatingly aware of my existence.
When moving up a seat didn't work,
I became her chemistry tutor.
But the only thing that was heating up in that class
was on top of the Bunsen burner.
I'll admit I made it a little more complicated than it needed to be,
but I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her.
I was distracted by her beauty,
her soft pale skin,
her haunting eyes and her silky hair.
Somehow I managed to guide her to an "A" in the class.
The day she thanked me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek
was the happiest day of my life.
I felt as if I'd been touched by an angel.
That was the day she signed my yearbook
"stay cool."
I thought it was code for "I love you forever."
Henry?
Yes. What are you doing here?
Is it too late?
No, no.
Um, come in.
It's my bike out right there.
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Cute.
One of the reasons that I was calling
was because I'm reading your book.
I was just wondering how much of it was true.
Uh...
Everything but the laid part.
Yeah.
Ah-oh.
Um,
the girl in it that you write about, Lauren,
Yeah.
I was really moved and touched by...
You wrote about her so beautifully and...
And I thought she must be really special and inspiring.
She's both.
Oh, who is she?
Who do you think she is?
Scar! Jeez...
Scarlet!
Get out here!
Brad.
What are you doing, huh? Go home!
Is he here right now? It doesn't matter!
It doesn't matter? Can you just leave, ok?
Huh? I'm gonna call the police, Brad.
I'm gonna beat his ass! Super tramp!
No, no, no. don't.
No, Scarlet.
Whetherit's tomorrow or next week, he's gonna come after me.
He wants me. He wants to kick my ass.
So let's go do this.
Here's your little pansy-ass BMX!
How about that?
That's right! Kick his ass!
How about that?
Yeah, kick his ass!
Better never catch you with her again.
How is he?
I don't know yet.
He can see you now.
This way.
Hey, guys.
What did you do?
Is that it? Just here?
Yeah. Oh...
And a couple ribs, too.
Mmm.
I told you.
Didn't I tell you? I told you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's get some of that dried blood off.
We never got to play doctor, did we?
Mm-mh.
And you don't make this a chapter in one of your books either.
Ok, ok.
Ok? Mm-hmm.
That's good. Mm-hmm.
Stay behind a typewriter.
Fist fighting.
Now, I'm gonna get a doctor...
Hey!
Hey, wino.
Look at you.
Yeah.
Is Scarlet here?
Yeah, she's outside, man.
There, that hurts.
Check this out.
Yeah!
I'll be back in the morning.
Yes, I did.
I did, I...
I told you I read it, and it's crap.
It's...
it's crap. I told you the first...
Nobody will care about it.
It's a story about manure salesman.
No one will care at all!
Henry?
Henry? Henry, if you can hear me, this is Javier.
Hey, Javier.
Oh. So much for being in a coma.
Your pain killers kicked in yet?
What is that?
That is the review in your hometown paper.
Uh, "let's hope Mr. McCarthy doesn't repeat any of his dribble
"during his commencement speech this Friday."
Um, don't worry. I think she meant "drivel."
Um, "It didn't inspire.
"It nearly made me slit my wrists."
Who's this? Who's this fields woman?
You know, I don't know, you know.
I probably did something to her.
You know, probably egged her house or something.
Who knows at this point.
Well, we need to get you out of here before your next review is in the obituary section.
No. I wish I could. But I can't.
These people don't like you!
I get it. Look,
I can get you out of your commencement duties
as well as this Kat-TV interview scheduled for later today.
We can be on the first flight out of here.
Javier, if I leave now,
I'm gonna be writing about this for the next 20 years.
I want a new subject.
"How Lionel Got Me Laid out"?
Help me get to graduation.
You can pick up your prom photos today
after school in room 113 between 3 and 4.
And now to John candle in sports...
Excuse me.
Dios mio.
They'd think we're pushing a book about domestic violence.
You know what?
I got a punch-in.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know where, but I got one.
Ok, I'm gonna take a moment to digest that
'cause that's what people like in their writers.
They like a little... sort of rugged sort of beat-up look.
I think you're on.
...Henry McCarthy.
Hello, West Rockville students.
Today, I'll be talking with one more student,
an author, Henry McCarthy.
Now, I was wondering if you could share with us
how you came up with this title How Lionel Got Me Laid?
Sure. It's based on the singer.
So his music was influential?
Yeah, yeah. He had a lot to do with it.
though I wasn't as popular.
I mean, he was popular, but we listened to other music.
But, yeah, Lionel. Lionel shoulda got a lot of people laid.
I developed a philosophy in my last days of high school.
I realized as long as I just concentrated on being alive
and stopped worrying about a future I couldn't predict
and the past I couldn't change
then my time on earth would be a hell of a lot more enjoyable,
and I'd probably get laid.
I figured, at least once.
Years later, I noticed that the lessons I'd learned in high school
were being repeated in my life over and over.
There didn't seem to be an end in sight.
I was an a student in school.
Why did I feel like a C- in life?
Did I need to go back to West Rockville for a refresher course?
Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow? Ow.
Got you pretty good, didn't he? Mm-hmm. He did.
You know, I can help you.
All you have to do is tell me who did this to you.
Ah, ah, ah.
It's nothing. It's nothing.
What are you gonna do? Suspend them too?
If necessary, yes.
Look, I'll be ok. I'm fine.
Just let me cross campus over here
and get my speech approved.
All right?
There's a running track goes around the campus.
Various entrances for guests.
"72% of the graduating class
"will be on an anti-depressant.
"61% will be divorced."
Very interesting.
I do find your choices humorous, somewhat shocking and very clever.
But, overall, I can't allow this.
While you will be grabbing their attention
with frightening statistics about the future,
ultimately it will be ineffective.
The truth just doesn't go over well these days, does it?
"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."
Lawrence Peter.
Thank you.
I just don't think time would permit me to write a speech
that you would approve.
You already have.
Henry!
Your suitcase has arrived!
Even when it was uncomfortable,
high school forced me to live in my own skin,
which included my clothes.
Now, I would like to introduce West Rockville
to one of my all-time favorite students.
He attended the school some years ago,
and he's a writer now doing quite well I understand.
Please welcome your commencement speaker,
Mr. Henry McCarthy.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
If I could read from this little book that I wrote.
"I would eventually learn that every one of us
"would carry our moments differently...
"Their color, their shape, their feeling.
"They will all be different depending on our intentions and use for them.
"I sat with each moment for long periods of time.
"One moment I will continue to feed,
"give it all my love and attention.
"I would worry,
"was it gonna hatch into a beautiful memory?
"or would it die on a vine?
"I stand here today because of that memory.
"Every day, it bounces from my head to my heart
"to my stomach aimlessly.
"There is no place to hide this memory,
"not even the pages of this book.
"It has affected the way I speak,
"the way I talk,
"the way I live.
"Remember this, our memories make us who we are.
"These 4 years will only become that, your memories.
"You can't define them,
"but they can define you."
Congratulations.
Go, Henry!
Whoo!
Jesse, right?
Hi!
Thank you! Thank you!
Such a good speech!
You be good, ok?
Does this mean you're gone?
Oh, no.
Honey.
Bye!
Brilliant. Brilliant. Jerk!
Listen, I got a plane to catch.
Are you gonna be ok?
I'm good.
Good to go. Go. Go, Javier.
All right.
Good. Ok. Call me!
God created IHOP.
Auh.
And there was like, God said, "let there be ihop."
and there was IHOP.
You didn't come back here to talk to 1,000 students.
You came back to talk to one person.
Yeah, well...
It is what it is.
She is what she is.
"It is what it is," he says.
You know what I have to say to that?
No. Mm-hmm.
No.
♪ There have been times in my life ♪
♪ I've been wondering why ♪
♪ still sometimes I believe ♪
♪ we always survive ♪
♪ you think that maybe it's over ♪
♪ only if you want it to be ♪ that's right.
♪ Are you gonna wait for the sign? ♪
♪ Your miracle ♪
♪ Are you gonna stand up and fight? ♪
♪ This is it ♪
♪ make no mistake where you are ♪
♪ this is it ♪
♪ you've got to get on now ♪
♪ this is it ♪
♪ don't be a fool anymore ♪
♪ this is it ♪
♪ the wait is over ♪
♪ nowhere to run ♪
♪ nowhere to hide ♪
♪ no time for wondering why ♪
♪ it's here the moment is now ♪
Henry?
What are you doing here?
Seeing what you're doing.
I was debating whether to stand outside
and hold a boom box over my head.
This is your room?
Yeah.
Wow.
This is it.
To have Lauren kiss me
just once...
I was wondering if Lionel would get me laid.
The way I dream of kissing her
would make my life complete.
Yeah. You ok?
Yeah, I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I'm shaking.
Lionel's words taught me about love...
loyalty...
desire...
and romance.
I wanna get a shot of you and mom.
My family taught me tolerance...
You want me to take that?
Oh, yeah! Good, good.
My friends gave me brotherhood,
and Lauren showed me what my ideal woman could be.
You ought to follow your own advice.
Did you read your own book?
Mm-hmm. I did.
I wonder sometimes if she's even remotely like the women I used to imagine her to be
or if I made it all up in order to stay alone.
Oh, there he goes. Wake up.
Wino! Henry needs our support!
Why else would you fall in love with the most unattainable girl in the entire school...
Oh, God.
...who had the perfect boyfriend?
I love you, Scarlet.
Ultimately, what I learned from my imaginary relationship with Lauren
was to seize and experience life as it happens...
Henry?
...override my fears and stop dragging around the unfulfilled dreams of yesterday.
Stay cool.
Ok.
Some nights I lie awake
wondering what ever happened to Lauren.
Did she marry the jock? Does she have kids?
Would she even remember who I was?
Well, now I'm not afraid of love.
My heart might be squashed again,
but at least I know I'll live to write about it.